The Story Behind ‘Chemical Optometry’
Our culture has reinforced the concept that your mental health issues are a dirty secret that should be shared with no one. Through my music, I want to help change that.
I wrote Chemical Optometry during the darkest time in my life – after the loss of my mom. I had exhausted all of my usual outlets for my depression both healthy and unhealthy. I knew it was time for me finally admit to myself and to others that I had been struggling with depression my whole life.
I have struggled with depression for so many years, but I had always told myself it was manageable until I lost my mom. Before, I had various coping strategies (some healthier than others). Sometimes I would drink to feel better. I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic necessarily, but I didn’t feel comfortable not having a bottle of whiskey nearby. Many nights after a few glasses of whiskey, I would pick up my guitar and strum a few chords and manage to stumble upon a few good lyrics, but most of the time, I just didn’t have the energy to focus long enough to write an entire song. Sometimes I would meditate and try to make time for a few moments of peace but often times it was difficult to concentrate with a grief in the room that felt like a tangible force pushing down on me and yelling in my ears.
I knew that I needed to get help for my depression. It was only going to get worse from there on out. Looking back on why I didn’t get help sooner makes me feel embarrassed. I was afraid of the paperwork. I was afraid of having a history of mental illness on the record and I was afraid of the cost of treatment. Now I know that these reasons, as insignificant as they may seem, are actually surprisingly common reasons for why people don’t get help. I eventually overcame my fears and scheduled my appointment. These are the songs I wrote during the month surrounding my journey into the world of treatment and recovery.
Chemical Optometry.
The week before my appointment with a psychiatrist, I started writing “Chemical Optometry”. Taking medication was a last resort for me. I had tried therapy before. In the song, I mentioned my experience with therapy.
I tried sitting in chairs and talking it out.
Therapy works wonders for some but hasn’t had quite the same effect for me as it has for many. I knew that it was time to try medication or “Chemical Optometry” as I call it – Changing my view of the world through chemicals. At this point, I felt as though I was at the mercy of the pharmacy. The song mentions this feeling of helplessness.
So dark, can’t see. Praying to the pharmacy.
When I was first taking medication, no one warned me that panic attacks are a common side effect of the medicine. Some days I would just be sitting in my car on my lunch break when I feel half of my face go numb as a wave of anxiety and sadness swept through my whole body.
Pain waves crash through. So numb, I can’t move.
I knew this song had to be the title track of the album because I wrote it right at the beginning of my journey with antidepressants. It was sort of my white flag and my way of saying “I’m done trying to make it on my own”.
You Might Like Me Now.
The second track on the album “You Might Like Me Now” has a particular significance to me. The chorus is joyful and upbeat but at the same time sort of darkly comedic in the midst of recovery.
You might like me now – I’m medicated.
This song celebrates how medicine continues to help me overcome depression but it is also serves as a reminder that people with mental health issues still need to be given a chance when they aren’t at their best. What I’m really saying with this song is… “You didn’t give me a chance before when I was depressed, but who knows. Maybe you’ll like the medicated version of me more. I know I do.”
Fair-Weather Friends.
After my mom’s death when I was in some of the lowest points of my depression, I had friends who disappeared from my life. I think many of them didn’t know what to say, as well-intentioned as they might have been. Other friends abandoned me altogether for good. To be frank, I realized that friends who are not willing to weather a storm with you probably aren’t worth having.
I’m sayin’ goodbye to my fair-weather friends.
Death in My Place.
The grief is something that is impossible to escape. It follows us everywhere we go. After my mom’s funeral, my family took a trip to the Pacific Northwest. We went to the Redwood Forest. I remember staring up at some of the most incredible living organisms in all of nature but somehow still managing to feel consumed by grief and emptiness. After returning from California, I left shortly after for a work-related trip to Nashville, TN. My grief followed me there as well. In my hotel room, I sat there in silence feeling lost when this song came to me. Death was in my place. It was everywhere I went – In my apartment, in my hotel room, and even in the Redwood Forest. I had no escape.
I’ve got death in my place. Death in my house, death in my home. It won’t shut up – it won’t leave me alone. I’ve got death in my place.
I do not think grief is something that can be escaped. It becomes a shadow that follows us everywhere. Even after you have confronted it, you can still feel it quietly following your every step.
Good Chemicals.
I stumbled into this song during a late night studio session. I was playing my Gretsch Electromatic Pro. I tend to play my acoustic Martin DRS-1 and it was a bit out of the ordinary for me to be playing electric guitar. The chords felt so right to me and I just kept adding layer after layer of melodies. The song reminded me of one of my favorite bands, Cigarettes After Sex. It was very mellow and reminded me of the happiness I felt after getting on medication. I remember the first few days when the medicine really kicked in and just feeling overwhelmed with relief and comfort. This song has many slow, warm notes that are comforting just like that feeling of relief I had.
Good chemicals float to my brain. Good chemicals kill all the pain. I never wanna leave, I never wanna leave this place.
In conclusion…
There are so many reasons why I didn’t get help sooner. Growing up, I heard people around me say things like “it’s all in your head” and “taking medication isn’t good for you”. I felt taken for granted. I think our culture takes mental health for granted and stigmatizes those who make it publicly known that they struggle with a mental issue. People often get accused of being attention-seeking rather than being supported. Through this album, I want to give a voice to the people who have been taken for granted because of their mental health issues. I also want to offer encouragement and comfort to those who are struggling while at the same time helping to put an end to the stigma around mental health issues once and for all. This album is my story and my testament to what medicine can do for those struggling with mental health issues.